Walking on Water

Sometimes being transparent is a very hard thing. I'm going to do so now so that I can overcome this season of immaturity that I seem to be going through. Over the past few weeks, I have been having (mainly) spiritual temper tantrums...quite consistently. There have been times when I've shown my maturity by not throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists until they fell off at the wrists though. So maybe I'm not that bad. :)

Anyway, we've really been struggling with a few things here on the home front and I have had it. I felt as though we were doing everything that the Lord was asking of us, yet my patience had taken its toll. Where is God when these mountains seem to be looming overhead? I know that I serve the Creator of the universe and everything in it--so where is He? I have prayed (I even asked for Joy from the Lord) and I have quoted scripture in our life as though (the things that are not) are here. I feel myself stumbling along, and consequently getting angry with my husband as well as my Maker. I feel like my feelings validate my reason to explode on the 2 most important beings in my life.

We've had conversations together. Not just hubby & I, but God & I. Although now I see that I haven't been listening to Him for an answer. I've just spent 2 weeks ranting and raving to Him and not letting Him get a word in edgewise.

Now the weekend rolls around and we're supposed to go to church. Great. Just what I don't want, although I don't want to miss it b/c I know it will be something that I need to hear. So, reluctantly I go with the family. I'm not participating in any conversation on the way (which is a stretch for me as we have 4 children and an hour drive) because I want hubby to know that I'm mad...so I stew...and he doesn't notice. Again (which just further aggravates me).

So we get to church and they're getting to the end of worship. I begin to sing, but only because I feel like I should be "doing" something. Not sitting there like some heathen. My heart just isn't in it because I feel like I've been ignored, (or worse), betrayed by my best friend--the Lord. I am relieved when we're told that we can sit as the service is to begin.

I notice the title of the pastor's message tonight: Great Joy. I'm thinking, you've got to be kidding me. You listened, Lord? Tears spring to my eyes as I began to take notes to a message from my Papa that my soul and spirit have been longing for. It was an amazing message, and after it ended, I was filled with renewed Joy in my spirit. Joy that I need to fight the enemy for...to protect against all acts of thievery. It finally dawns on me that my Lord may have been trying to give me His Joy all along...but I didn't receive it because I was too busy looking at myself and my circumstances.

I am grateful that I have a God who looms above my problems--making them seem non-existent. Our mountains are still looming, but only in the shadow of the Most High God. I have to train myself to resist the temptation of focusing on myself, and keep my eyes on Him. When I do this, I know that even I can walk on water.