A Heart Transformation

My mom told me when I was younger (before I was married) that once a person gets married, they find out how selfish they really are. I guess I kind of blew it off since I wasn't even dating anyone at the time, and I really didn't think that this advice would pertain to me. Boy, was I wrong. It took getting married and then having children to find out how incredibly selfish and whiny I can be.

Since I've gotten married nearly 8 years ago, I have found that my mom was right. I mean, sometimes I could easily be mistaken for a three-year-old who isn't getting their way. I would complain about everything (whether big or small) and most of the time, I think I didn't even realize that I was doing it.

One of the big things that I've found to complain about where we live. I've had it in my head for the past 3 years (and flowing out of my mouth) that I want to either live closer to our church (which is 1 hour away) so that we can be more involved than we are, or I want to live no more than half hour from my parents (which are 24 hours away). Those were the only two options that I'd fixed my mind on and the only two options that God was given. He needed to let us know which one it was going to be and when. I also wanted to fix up our enormous "fixer-upper" so that we can sell it and get to one of the above two destinations (quickly). My mind was made up. I'd pray about it so that I could hear what the plans were.

Somewhere along the line though, the Lord must have re-wired my "whine-ware" so that I would notice when I was complaining. I really began to notice it a lot. Our pastor even ended a message with "Please do not complain about where you are. The Israelites complained and it took them 40 years to get through the wilderness. Had they not complained, it would have only taken them about a week."

That was it!! I decided that I would not complain about living in this city. Then, I wouldn't have to be here 40 years!! I really felt good about my decision.

Well, recently I was able to connect with someone and the Lord gave me a new revelation through this conversation: I am perfectly happy being here, in this city. I want to reach out and love the people from this community and see souls saved and see Christians be able to mature in their faith. No matter how long it takes, no matter if we have to drive 1 hour to church each week several times for years, and whether or not I have to wait to see my family only once every year or so, I want to be here. Doing God's will. I know now what it feels like to be content where He's called me to be. And, I still want to get my house fixed up, but now for a different reason: I want to enjoy it while we're here.

Thank you Lord for showing me my selfishness and even more for what you're doing in my heart. Help me to be a witness wherever I go, and wherever I live.

Proverbs 21:19

It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.

Why I find it hard to be a woman

Okay...I'm typing this while it's *fresh* (literally as you will read). As a woman, I have found that keeping groomed is a full-time job. You have hair to keep trimmed and fashioned so that you look like someone who stepped out of a magazine. This has been hard for me. I find that getting your hair cut is expensive--(getting your hair highlighted you nearly need to take out a loan for)--so I don't usually go to the salon but once a year. It's normally because I'm getting tired of my mid-back length hair and want a change. So I get it cut to below my shoulders.

You also have a figure to try and maintain (if you can refrain from the cookies and other "goodies" in your kitchen. This is the part that I find hardest. Especially since I haven't convinced myself that I want to be beat into slender submission. I'm trying though. Just did some butt exercises today and now I can't feel it. I guess it's working.

What I'm really interested in talking about though is hair removal. Yes, the shaving of the legs, armpits, etc. Now, it's winter time, so I have to admit that I take a bit of a vacation from clearing the forests (although armpits must be shaved regularly). It's a very, hairy deal.

Last night as hubby and I were spending time with some friends, she (so beautiful) says that her legs have gotten so hairy. I was immediately up for the challenge. My leg hair has been growing like overgrown raspberry bushes for at least 2 months now. I told her to show me her leg (I think she was surprised:). She showed me and for the life of me, I saw nothing. I even reached out to try and see if I felt anything, but really, it was nothing to mention. I laughed and said that she should see my legs (after I said it I immediately wondered of my sanity). She gasped and laughed when she saw my legs. That's how forest-like they are. It's actually been a point of pride for me. Kind of a like a contest that no one else is in--just me. And, I'm winning. :)

So today as I get ready for our mom's group tomorrow, I have a box of things that I want to put out on the "share" table at the group. These are random things that are in good condition that you're wanting to find a new home for. I saw the box of cold wax hair removal and thought to myself..."maybe I'll see if I really want to get rid of this". I remembered that it hurt the last time, but that was at least 3 years ago. This stuff has since "expired" I'm sure. It won't be that bad.

I go into the bathroom with my youngest son in tow (he was very interested in this experiment that mom was about to perform). He excitedly handed me the strips while I smeared cold wax on my unsuspecting hair. I put the strip down, pressed it down good, and gave it a yank. OH MY WORD!!! What in the world just happened? I look down at a very bare strip in my grove of trees.

Wow that hurt. But, now that leg just looks silly. Better keep going. So, my little assistant helps me again. This time I actually screamed. My little McGyver has decided that next time he will close his ears so that he doesn't hear "aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!". By this time I've created enough of a ruckus that Dimples appears in the doorway..."whatcha doing?" Little Mac invites him to come in and see what mommy is doing.

Over and over again this happens until I actually start to feel a bit light-headed. I think I actually heard my leg crying and asking "why are you mad at me?" So, looking down at my red, splotchy leg which is missing hair in some parts, but still hairy in most places, I decide that is absolutely enough. My leg looks worse than it did before and now there's pain too. Not to mention my other leg is still completely covered in hair. If you don't believe me, I'll "verify" for you tomorrow. It's about an hour after the "ordeal" and my heart is still racing. I even feel a little nauseous.

It's funny, before I even started waxing my leg, I thought to myself that maybe I'll even do my bikini area. Now though, I'm glad I didn't. I don't think I'd be able to have any more children after doing so. Hmmm...:)

Guess what is going back into the box for tomorrows mom's group? I will put a note on it for whichever brave soul decides to take it:Take at your own risk.

This is one of the last times that I attempt to be a "modern" woman. Who cares if my body hair can all be tucked into my socks? After this, maybe I will start my own fashion. After enough hair grows, you may not need clothing anymore! Talk about saving money! Anyway, I'm glad that I'm a woman, but sometimes it's just plain hard to be one.

Reminiscing

As I sit here in the "quiet" of my home, my mind is filled with the amazing things that the Lord has done recently in my life. I wanted to share a few of those quick before anyone discovers I'm gone.

In the fall of 2007, I gave birth to my first daughter (3 boys were ahead of her) and something "freakish" happened. I won't bother sharing the entire testimony as it's quite lengthy I've found, but her & I both came in contact with HSV-1 (aka Herpes Simplex Virus-type 1). Now, if you're first reaction is wow! an STD, that is the same reaction that I had. Although incorrect. This is the same strain that causes shingles, chickenpox and cold sores. It could have been potentially devastating though had the Lord Jesus not be involved. I thank Him so much that He was.

Anyway, this is a virus that is known to not leave the body once infected. It just remains dormant in the spinal fluid until another stresser comes to make it flare up again. Not fun. Very painful. But we're not pursuing mans advice, we're pursuing the Lord and what He can do. We've been believing total healing for both of us. And I really think that we're seeing it.

Shortly after my initial outbreak, I began to develop one single blister inside my mouth (on the roof toward the back). It looked like a pimple, and it would come and go on it's own (unless of course I couldn't leave it alone and pop it myself--gross I know). Well, after over a year of praying and believing in healing from HSV for both the sweetpea and I, I realized the other day that I've not had this recurring pimple-thing for months! How amazing is that? I had come to expect it because it came so frequently. I didn't even notice that it wasn't appearing anymore!

Then, sweetpea runs high fevers while teething. A few months ago, she ran a temp of almost 105. I was sick to my stomach and nervous about her going through another outbreak (which requires medication because she's so young). In the past when she ran fevers, she almost always would get sick again with the virus. Well, I waited and waited. No lesions came. It was quite astonishing. Then again a couple of weeks ago she developed fevers again; again, no lesions. I'm in complete awe.

I've been hesitant in the past to claim the healing for us in my heart b/c I can see with my eyes. (I'm only realizing this now.) I could see each and every little pink bump on my beautiful daughter's head and be terrified, but still claiming healing. It seemed so foolish to me in the flesh, because I felt like I was trying to be one of those "positive thinkers". The only difference is that while they're trying to use the positive to make things happen, I was calling on the Name of Jehovah Nissi (God of Victory). I'm not quite sure of the verse, I think it's somewhere in 1 Corinthians, but it talks about "calling things that aren't as though they are". That's what we were/are doing and can't wait to see these things tested out to see our complete healing.

One of the things that have made me a little nervous about all of this is that we're expecting again. The docs want to put me on the medication at 6 months and will plan on doing a C-section if there's any signs of the virus. I know that in order to have a testimony, one must first have a test. I believe this will be my test. So, if you remember, please pray for the baby and I during the pregnancy and labor/delivery. I'm willing to accept the challenge (not like I have a choice!) and show what the Lord has done.

Walking on Water

Sometimes being transparent is a very hard thing. I'm going to do so now so that I can overcome this season of immaturity that I seem to be going through. Over the past few weeks, I have been having (mainly) spiritual temper tantrums...quite consistently. There have been times when I've shown my maturity by not throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists until they fell off at the wrists though. So maybe I'm not that bad. :)

Anyway, we've really been struggling with a few things here on the home front and I have had it. I felt as though we were doing everything that the Lord was asking of us, yet my patience had taken its toll. Where is God when these mountains seem to be looming overhead? I know that I serve the Creator of the universe and everything in it--so where is He? I have prayed (I even asked for Joy from the Lord) and I have quoted scripture in our life as though (the things that are not) are here. I feel myself stumbling along, and consequently getting angry with my husband as well as my Maker. I feel like my feelings validate my reason to explode on the 2 most important beings in my life.

We've had conversations together. Not just hubby & I, but God & I. Although now I see that I haven't been listening to Him for an answer. I've just spent 2 weeks ranting and raving to Him and not letting Him get a word in edgewise.

Now the weekend rolls around and we're supposed to go to church. Great. Just what I don't want, although I don't want to miss it b/c I know it will be something that I need to hear. So, reluctantly I go with the family. I'm not participating in any conversation on the way (which is a stretch for me as we have 4 children and an hour drive) because I want hubby to know that I'm mad...so I stew...and he doesn't notice. Again (which just further aggravates me).

So we get to church and they're getting to the end of worship. I begin to sing, but only because I feel like I should be "doing" something. Not sitting there like some heathen. My heart just isn't in it because I feel like I've been ignored, (or worse), betrayed by my best friend--the Lord. I am relieved when we're told that we can sit as the service is to begin.

I notice the title of the pastor's message tonight: Great Joy. I'm thinking, you've got to be kidding me. You listened, Lord? Tears spring to my eyes as I began to take notes to a message from my Papa that my soul and spirit have been longing for. It was an amazing message, and after it ended, I was filled with renewed Joy in my spirit. Joy that I need to fight the enemy for...to protect against all acts of thievery. It finally dawns on me that my Lord may have been trying to give me His Joy all along...but I didn't receive it because I was too busy looking at myself and my circumstances.

I am grateful that I have a God who looms above my problems--making them seem non-existent. Our mountains are still looming, but only in the shadow of the Most High God. I have to train myself to resist the temptation of focusing on myself, and keep my eyes on Him. When I do this, I know that even I can walk on water.

Classic Inspired

Classic Mama tagged me for this note and I'm so proud that I have a husband who helped me figure it out!! It only took me 2 days!! :) Love you Classic!!! You're so awesome.

Where is your cell phone? Sitting in a kitchen drawer

Where is your significant other? Standing right behind me showing me how to do this :)

Your hair color? medium brown

Your mother? medium brown

Your father? light auburn

Your favorite thing? Wow, I really don't even know.

Your dream last night? Creepy. This is the 2nd time I've had a dream about this man who said to not worship God, but worship me (him). He had nail holes in his hands but I know he wasn't Jesus.

Your dream/goal? To raise my children so that their floors are my ceilings in all areas of their lives. I'd also love to be completely debt free so that we can live the free life Christ wants us to live.

The room you’re in? Our dining room, which also serves as my hubby's office & a dragstrip for the kids to run through.

Your hobby? I love to sing.

Your fear? Going through a replay of everything that we went through last year when Sweet Pea was born

Where do you want to be in 6 years? I'd like to live either closer to church or closer to my family (in S.D.)

Where were you last night? At home, where I almost always am.

What you’re not? Quiet & thin

One of your wish-list items? To have the funds to fix up our home and to pay off our debt.

Where you grew up? Beresford, SD

The last thing you did? Ran a ton of errands with Mr. History

What are you wearing? Jeans and a sweater

Your TV? It's 10 years old and very finicky. The push button is broken and we're okay that we have no cable and almost no reception. Did I mention that we don't really watch t.v.?

Your pet? We have some fish that I'd like to flush down the toilet so that we can use their area for something else. Other than that, I have my 4 children. They're pretty close to pets sometimes.

Your computer? A Dell

Your mood?Better than earlier. I don't get excited about my birthday.

Missing someone? Yes. My mom.

Your car? The Conquistador. Also known as our Suburban. We may have to look into a bigger vehicle.

Something you’re not wearing? Earmuffs

Favorite store? Salvation Army!

Your summer? If I'm pregnant, it's usually too long and hot. If not and I've lost weight, too hot and not long enough.

Love someone? Yes...lots of them

Your favorite color? Blue

When is the last time you laughed? This morning when I was hanging out with my good friend Amanda

Last time you cried? tonight after I realized that I'd hurt my hubby's feelings

It didn't seem like a blessing

Having money problems is never fun. Living from paycheck to paycheck is never fun. Your pocketbook being tighter than a fully-stretched rubber band is never fun. This is how much of our year has been. It's been so easy to complain about our finances, even though the Lord has been faithful to pay the necessities (although with not much time to spare it seems). Sometimes it feels as though we're running (to meet the bill deadlines) and then the road stops (but we keep running). It's only after we notice that we've run out of road, that we feel the Lord graciously pull us back to safety (He provides the money needed for our bills).

The next thing I know is it's approaching Christmas, which for many, has become a "holiday of despair" because of the debt that is accrued during this time. I can actually say, "not for me"! We've been wanting our children to know the true meaning of Christmas for years now. And it's been taught well. They know that Christmas is the day that we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. They know that He was born humbly in a manger, in a stable with the animals. They know the entire story of Christ's birth. However, it's often been covered up with presents, presents, presents, and not enough of the presence (if you know what I mean).

Well, this year we've had to let people know that we won't be participating in gift exchanges with them. I've sat down with my 10-year-old to ask him what he would really like for Christmas because we won't be having a grandiose spread of gifts this year. He told me he needed some new socks and he'd like to have a model airplane. Immediately, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Partly because that's not what a typical boy would ask for, but very grateful that we don't have a typical boy.

It only dawned on me about a week later that there was a sense of peace about this "whole situation". We've been trying for the last few years to get the kids only a few things as gifts, and being quite successful until about a week before Christmas. Then I "feel" the race is on and even though we have already gotten them what we'd like, we continue to shop so that we don't "short" the kids. Afterward, I always feel terrible for my lack of self control (and the kids have forgotten about the new things in their toy boxes).

It then occurred to me that our "lack" of money is actually a blessing this Christmas season. We are able to focus on its true meaning, not confusing our children about what a Savior really means. We are excited about getting our children less, and in doing so, giving more to our children. Sometimes I think it's good to take a look at children in 3rd world countries. If they are lucky (for lack of a better word) enough, they have one toy that they treasure and take care of. They are perfectly content with it and they don't get mixed up in the greed of the world. That's what I want for my children. To be able to cultivate in them a grateful heart. One that is not greedy, or lustful for another's things, but to be able to be content with what they have and know the reason that they have it is because they serve an Amazing Father who loves to bless His children.

Happy Birthday Dimples!

That's right! Today is Dimple's 5th birthday. He's so amazing to watch grow and he's such a little man now! Today he's spending his birthday with his P&N (as we refer to his grandparents) in train county. He had no idea what it was they had planned, but I'm pretty sure that he does now!! It's so amazing how 5 years fly by. He is very excited for his birthday party on Sunday too. I think even more exciting to him is that one particular girl that he's smitten with will be here then. She even asked her mom if she could be dropped off and that her mom could pick her up later. Dimple's thinks that a good back-up name for our baby if it's a girl would be to give it none other than his sweetheart's name. Hmm...he's still a little young for that, isn't he? I'll be watching them for any signs of affection other than a slug in the shoulder. :)

Happy Birthday my little man. I can't wait to be with you this evening and celebrate another year with you. My Dimples.