Happy Birthday Sweet Jonathan!

8 years ago yesterday, 5/31/02, Winston (then 4) and I went to my routine dr's appointment. Chris and I were expecting #2 and we were 29 1/2 weeks along. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The nurse, trying to find a heartbeat with the Doppler and not being successful. Another nurse came into the room and tried the same thing, with the same response. Finally, the doc came in to tell me to move to the ultrasound room. When we got there, I wasn't prepared for what the sonographer would tell me. "Jennie, I am sorry, but your baby is gone." I remember sitting there trying to control my thoughts. What did she mean that the baby was gone? I was past the time of having a miscarriage, wasn't I?

The tears wouldn't stop flowing. Young Winston, so sweet and normally quiet, was all of a sudden protective of his mother; and he wrapped his small arm around my shoulder and pointed his little finger at the lady and demanded, "why did you make my mommy cry?" I had to call Chris, who was working an hour away and he came home as fast as he could. We had a friend watch Winston for us for a few hours while Chris & I tried to pick up the pieces.

We had picked out the name Aidan Wesley for our son. No reason, just sounded nice. But the Lord had different plans. As Chris and I were sitting in our living room, the Lord told Chris that He wanted us to name our son Jonathan David. We'd never even looked at that name, but we would obey our Daddy. Whatever He wanted.

We had been told that we would have to wait until Monday to deliver our son (it was Friday). I was devastated to go all weekend knowing what I knew. Chris stood up for me however and called the doc's office and told them that we were going in on Saturday, June 1. We weren't going to wait.

Early the next morning, I was induced. It was a grueling labor. My body wasn't physically ready for what was happening and my heart would never be ready for such an event. My mom flew in from South Dakota to help Chris and I. We had just had our first childbirth class that Tuesday and it did not prepare us like we would have needed to be. Chris told me later how grateful he was that she was there.

When Jonathan was "born", it was like a silent movie. Normally, there's all kinds of noise during and following a live birth. This was utter silence. It still makes my heart grieve thinking of what it was like that day. He was 1 pound 15 ounces, and was 16 inches long. He had dark hair, just like his daddy. His lips were perfectly formed as were his little hands and fingers. He was so beautiful...I couldn't see anything wrong with him. I do remember him being so fragile though and I was nervous to hold him. I was afraid that he would literally break in my hands.

Not everyone had chosen to see our baby. We didn't want Winston to b/c he wouldn't have understood. It would have frightened him. Chris's parents, along with my mom, held their grandson in their arms. I'm sure that I felt guilty for delivering their little grandson to them in this way.

After everyone left the room, we were left alone with our son. The nurse that was in the room told us that Jonathan was "a gift from God". I only nodded without looking up and I don't think that either one of us said anything except maybe a mumbled version of, "I know". We didn't want to be comforted, we just wanted our son back. She said, "no, that's what his name means". In the midst of my heartache, I felt a tinge of hope. That my Papa would speak to us even during that dark hour.

She then explained to us that we could hold our son as long as we wanted. That he could even stay with us overnight. We decided to let them take him shortly after that. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and I came close to hating myself afterward. I kept wondering if I made the wrong choice. If I should have kept him with me as long as possible.

When Chris & I got home, we looked up the name David to find the meaning. We were shocked, yet feeling loved when we saw, "cherished". Our son was rightly named Jonathan David, our cherished gift from God.

The Lord has done amazing things since we lost our son 8 years ago today. He's given us 4 more very healthy, beautiful children, and the growth and healing that He's given to our hearts is more than we can put into words. Today, we say, Happy 8th Birthday Jonathan! We love you and miss you so very much! And Abba, please give him a big hug and kiss for us. Thank you for all that you have done and that we will one day see him again.

Here is the verse that was put on his gravestone. 1 Samuel 1:28 "Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life".