Walking on Water

Sometimes being transparent is a very hard thing. I'm going to do so now so that I can overcome this season of immaturity that I seem to be going through. Over the past few weeks, I have been having (mainly) spiritual temper tantrums...quite consistently. There have been times when I've shown my maturity by not throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists until they fell off at the wrists though. So maybe I'm not that bad. :)

Anyway, we've really been struggling with a few things here on the home front and I have had it. I felt as though we were doing everything that the Lord was asking of us, yet my patience had taken its toll. Where is God when these mountains seem to be looming overhead? I know that I serve the Creator of the universe and everything in it--so where is He? I have prayed (I even asked for Joy from the Lord) and I have quoted scripture in our life as though (the things that are not) are here. I feel myself stumbling along, and consequently getting angry with my husband as well as my Maker. I feel like my feelings validate my reason to explode on the 2 most important beings in my life.

We've had conversations together. Not just hubby & I, but God & I. Although now I see that I haven't been listening to Him for an answer. I've just spent 2 weeks ranting and raving to Him and not letting Him get a word in edgewise.

Now the weekend rolls around and we're supposed to go to church. Great. Just what I don't want, although I don't want to miss it b/c I know it will be something that I need to hear. So, reluctantly I go with the family. I'm not participating in any conversation on the way (which is a stretch for me as we have 4 children and an hour drive) because I want hubby to know that I'm mad...so I stew...and he doesn't notice. Again (which just further aggravates me).

So we get to church and they're getting to the end of worship. I begin to sing, but only because I feel like I should be "doing" something. Not sitting there like some heathen. My heart just isn't in it because I feel like I've been ignored, (or worse), betrayed by my best friend--the Lord. I am relieved when we're told that we can sit as the service is to begin.

I notice the title of the pastor's message tonight: Great Joy. I'm thinking, you've got to be kidding me. You listened, Lord? Tears spring to my eyes as I began to take notes to a message from my Papa that my soul and spirit have been longing for. It was an amazing message, and after it ended, I was filled with renewed Joy in my spirit. Joy that I need to fight the enemy for...to protect against all acts of thievery. It finally dawns on me that my Lord may have been trying to give me His Joy all along...but I didn't receive it because I was too busy looking at myself and my circumstances.

I am grateful that I have a God who looms above my problems--making them seem non-existent. Our mountains are still looming, but only in the shadow of the Most High God. I have to train myself to resist the temptation of focusing on myself, and keep my eyes on Him. When I do this, I know that even I can walk on water.

Classic Inspired

Classic Mama tagged me for this note and I'm so proud that I have a husband who helped me figure it out!! It only took me 2 days!! :) Love you Classic!!! You're so awesome.

Where is your cell phone? Sitting in a kitchen drawer

Where is your significant other? Standing right behind me showing me how to do this :)

Your hair color? medium brown

Your mother? medium brown

Your father? light auburn

Your favorite thing? Wow, I really don't even know.

Your dream last night? Creepy. This is the 2nd time I've had a dream about this man who said to not worship God, but worship me (him). He had nail holes in his hands but I know he wasn't Jesus.

Your dream/goal? To raise my children so that their floors are my ceilings in all areas of their lives. I'd also love to be completely debt free so that we can live the free life Christ wants us to live.

The room you’re in? Our dining room, which also serves as my hubby's office & a dragstrip for the kids to run through.

Your hobby? I love to sing.

Your fear? Going through a replay of everything that we went through last year when Sweet Pea was born

Where do you want to be in 6 years? I'd like to live either closer to church or closer to my family (in S.D.)

Where were you last night? At home, where I almost always am.

What you’re not? Quiet & thin

One of your wish-list items? To have the funds to fix up our home and to pay off our debt.

Where you grew up? Beresford, SD

The last thing you did? Ran a ton of errands with Mr. History

What are you wearing? Jeans and a sweater

Your TV? It's 10 years old and very finicky. The push button is broken and we're okay that we have no cable and almost no reception. Did I mention that we don't really watch t.v.?

Your pet? We have some fish that I'd like to flush down the toilet so that we can use their area for something else. Other than that, I have my 4 children. They're pretty close to pets sometimes.

Your computer? A Dell

Your mood?Better than earlier. I don't get excited about my birthday.

Missing someone? Yes. My mom.

Your car? The Conquistador. Also known as our Suburban. We may have to look into a bigger vehicle.

Something you’re not wearing? Earmuffs

Favorite store? Salvation Army!

Your summer? If I'm pregnant, it's usually too long and hot. If not and I've lost weight, too hot and not long enough.

Love someone? Yes...lots of them

Your favorite color? Blue

When is the last time you laughed? This morning when I was hanging out with my good friend Amanda

Last time you cried? tonight after I realized that I'd hurt my hubby's feelings

It didn't seem like a blessing

Having money problems is never fun. Living from paycheck to paycheck is never fun. Your pocketbook being tighter than a fully-stretched rubber band is never fun. This is how much of our year has been. It's been so easy to complain about our finances, even though the Lord has been faithful to pay the necessities (although with not much time to spare it seems). Sometimes it feels as though we're running (to meet the bill deadlines) and then the road stops (but we keep running). It's only after we notice that we've run out of road, that we feel the Lord graciously pull us back to safety (He provides the money needed for our bills).

The next thing I know is it's approaching Christmas, which for many, has become a "holiday of despair" because of the debt that is accrued during this time. I can actually say, "not for me"! We've been wanting our children to know the true meaning of Christmas for years now. And it's been taught well. They know that Christmas is the day that we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. They know that He was born humbly in a manger, in a stable with the animals. They know the entire story of Christ's birth. However, it's often been covered up with presents, presents, presents, and not enough of the presence (if you know what I mean).

Well, this year we've had to let people know that we won't be participating in gift exchanges with them. I've sat down with my 10-year-old to ask him what he would really like for Christmas because we won't be having a grandiose spread of gifts this year. He told me he needed some new socks and he'd like to have a model airplane. Immediately, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Partly because that's not what a typical boy would ask for, but very grateful that we don't have a typical boy.

It only dawned on me about a week later that there was a sense of peace about this "whole situation". We've been trying for the last few years to get the kids only a few things as gifts, and being quite successful until about a week before Christmas. Then I "feel" the race is on and even though we have already gotten them what we'd like, we continue to shop so that we don't "short" the kids. Afterward, I always feel terrible for my lack of self control (and the kids have forgotten about the new things in their toy boxes).

It then occurred to me that our "lack" of money is actually a blessing this Christmas season. We are able to focus on its true meaning, not confusing our children about what a Savior really means. We are excited about getting our children less, and in doing so, giving more to our children. Sometimes I think it's good to take a look at children in 3rd world countries. If they are lucky (for lack of a better word) enough, they have one toy that they treasure and take care of. They are perfectly content with it and they don't get mixed up in the greed of the world. That's what I want for my children. To be able to cultivate in them a grateful heart. One that is not greedy, or lustful for another's things, but to be able to be content with what they have and know the reason that they have it is because they serve an Amazing Father who loves to bless His children.

Happy Birthday Dimples!

That's right! Today is Dimple's 5th birthday. He's so amazing to watch grow and he's such a little man now! Today he's spending his birthday with his P&N (as we refer to his grandparents) in train county. He had no idea what it was they had planned, but I'm pretty sure that he does now!! It's so amazing how 5 years fly by. He is very excited for his birthday party on Sunday too. I think even more exciting to him is that one particular girl that he's smitten with will be here then. She even asked her mom if she could be dropped off and that her mom could pick her up later. Dimple's thinks that a good back-up name for our baby if it's a girl would be to give it none other than his sweetheart's name. Hmm...he's still a little young for that, isn't he? I'll be watching them for any signs of affection other than a slug in the shoulder. :)

Happy Birthday my little man. I can't wait to be with you this evening and celebrate another year with you. My Dimples.

Seeking His Will

After "discovering" that we are now pregnant for the 7th time, there's been a multitude of feelings that have flooded my soul. I immediately cried, thinking of last year when our little sweet pea was born and ended up sick and in the hospital for a month. I do not want to do that again. And I'm believing that we won't have to. We're praying for Heavenly health for both of us and believing that it will come to fruition.

There's been moments of happiness, and there's also been moments of shame. That last one is so ridiculous, but it's true. We're married, but people's responses (whether verbal or just facial) speak volumes. I've heard (countless times from people), "your husband needs more work to do!" Or, "we're all pitching in to get you some cable and a t.v. in your bedroom". Thanks guys. If I get cable or a new t.v., you sure can buy it. But, I'm going to be picky and it's not going to be in my bedroom!!

What is quite obvious is that children are no longer viewed as the "gift from God" that they were meant to be. They are now looked at like they're a burden--extra baggage to weigh you down. We live in a time when it's no longer wise to "trust in the Lord", but to "lean on our own understanding" because we worry about our pocketbooks more than believe in what God can do. Everyone's quiver is a different size, and ours just seems to be a bit bigger than most. But that doesn't mean that I'm open to being the old woman who lived in a shoe.

I was talking to Relentless tonight and had a brief, but wonderful conversation. Thanks Relentless!! If anyone knows Relentless, she is full of wisdom beyond her young years. She's a HUGE blessing to the body of Christ and I'm glad to be friends with her!

I am praying that the Lord will give us guidance on His will for our whole life, but mainly right now to know "how big is our quiver?". I've got so many questions for Him, like whether we should go on birth control or not, are we really trusting Him if we do? I want nothing else than to follow the Lord's leading for my life, but sometimes it's a bit daunting to think that I'm not quite 30 and could end up with 15 kiddos running around!

It's hard to remember sometimes that our identity is not in our roles as men & women, but who we are in Christ. It is necessary however to remind ourselves of this. I choose to continue to seek out the Lord's will (no matter how long it takes) and believe that He will show my hubby and I in His time. I told Relentless last night that I just wish that He would show us His will so that we could do it and feel confident in our decision. And she said something profound (again :) . She said that she agreed, but the relationship wouldn't be there then (with the Lord). That really touched me. Like maybe I am now glad that He's not "answered" me so that I can press in to Him more and chase Him the way He wants me to. That's definitely a place where I want to be.

So, I guess to sum up everything, I really can't care what people are saying (or not saying). All I care about is doing the Lord's will for our life and living in His faithfulness, love and fullness. He is good. That is why I seek Him. That is why I serve Him.

~Pressing In

All Cranked-Up and Slowly Unwinding

I felt after a day like today, it was time to begin blogging. It feels like there's been just so much screaming lately (by the kids, & the mom). Children have a way of making scriptures fly through your head (mainly the one that says, "Children are a gift from the Lord...").

The last "straw" came tonight when my youngest son locked the bathroom door again. At 3 years old, there's probably not much need for locking any door unless it means getting into something that you're not supposed to be into. (As in the other night when he rubbed Vicks all over his face and ate half a bottle of antacids.) Anyway, when my next oldest son opened the door, I see my youngest as he's taking the disposable cup for brushing teeth and dumping water into the toilet. Not quite sure if this is water from the toilet (which was not just water) or if it was from the sink.

Well, I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that he had a very quick lesson in cleaning the toilet and now I breathe a sigh of relief (and exhaustion) as I am assured that he's in his bed. Hopefully sleeping.

Note to self: Check on that one before I go to sleep. :)